15 Women Who Look Better With Mustaches

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Mustaches on ladies seems to be a bit of a trend lately. From Mariah Carey’s bearded thug-boy look in her “Obsessed” music video to Sarah Silverman sporting a sharp ’stache at the VMAs to Selma Hayek donning a beautiful full beard in the upcoming “Cirque du Freak,” it got us thinking — what other women would look hot sporting a mustache? (They’re almost as good as these 9 Presidents Who Rocked The Sweetest Facial Hair, if only they also had one of the 20 Most Awesome Celebrity Mullets.)

15. Janet Reno

You knew Janet Reno would be on this list. When she was Bill Clinton’s Attorney General, the fact that Mrs. Reno is manly looking was low-hanging fruit for comedy writers. And, her ’stache still is comedy gold. Anyway, just add a thick little mustache and… there we go… it’s TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS!

14. Lady Gaga
In her relatively short career in the public spotlight, Lady Gaga has already shown to have more crazy outfits in her closet than David Bowie and Madonna combined. With blouses made out of Kermit the Frog heads, dresses made out of plastic bubbles and one-piece numbers that appear to be straight out of science fiction, facial hair is the ONLY accessory she hasn’t tried. And knowing her, she wouldn’t just have a mustache, it would be the best mustache you’ve ever seen. It would surely put Prince’s facial landscaping artistry to shame.

13. Cher
Cher’s getting pretty old. Can you believe that she’s 63? It’s only a matter of time before age catches up to her. At some point, no amount of Botox and plastic surgery can hold back the tides of time. Cher is eventually going to have to give in to that thing that happens to so many old women — getting your first mustache. And considering that she’s long been a favorite of drag queens everywhere, perhaps it’s time she returned the favor with a big black thick mustache.

12. Queen Elizabeth II
Why Queen Elizabeth? Why the dear ol’ queen? Dunno, maybe because it’s what Banksy would do. She does look absolutely smashing in that Chester Arthur, doesn’t she? Hellllloooooo!

11. Michelle Obama
Some people have suggested that Obama should break the trend of clean-shaven presidents and grow himself a big, bushy 19th century beard, but so far, he’s resisted the temptation. If Barack is going to refuse to sport a mustache, perhaps it should be up to his lovely fashionista wife Michelle to set the standard. Who’s the baddest First Lady on the block? Michelle Obama. Damn right.

10. Sigourney Weaver
Here’s a prize that I just made up just now. Anyone that brutally murders as many nasty acid bleeding aliens as Sigourney Weaver did as Ellen Ripley wins a complimentary trucker mustache. It also earns you the right to chew tobacco anytime and anywhere while saying things like “This stuff will make you a g.d. sexual Tyrannosaurus!”

9. Paula Deen
There’s only one mustache and beard style that would work for this Southern cooking belle. It’s one that betrays her knowledge of the secret blend of 11 herbs and spices.

8. Kelly Osbourne
At first, the world knew her as “Kelly Osbourne, daughter of Ozzy on that show about Ozzy’s family.” Then she tried to be a pop star. Lately, she’s just sort of been fodder for celebrity websites. I’m pretty sure it’s just because she hasn’t tried the mustache and/or beard look yet. Hasn’t she heard that everyone’s doing it? Mustaches are the new heroin.

7. Sarah Jessica Parker
What, don’t you agree that a mustache really behooves the “Sex in the City” star? Neigh? I think you’re foal of it.

6. Tila Tequila
Singer, model, actress and former porn star Tila Tequila somehow seems to just have a face that was made for a great little goatee. And, considering she’s a wild and swinging open bisexual, we’re pretty sure that someone out there knows what she looks like with a mustache… we’ll do our best to approximate.

5. Kate Gosselin
Jon left her with the eight kids, meaning Kate Gosselin now has two roles to fill as the primary parent of her famous brood. Mustaches give off an air of authority, so she can be both mom and dad, and it’ll be like Jon never left. TLC has said they’ll be renaming the show “Kate Plus Eight,” but I rather like “Kate And Mustache Plus Eight.”

4. Maggie Gyllenhaal
When she took over the role of Bruce Wayne love interest Rachel Dawes in 2008 film “The Dark Knight,” fans were divided over whether Maggie Gyllenhaal looked absolutely gorgeous or whether she resembled Droopy the Dog. The problem perhaps is just that she needs to accentuate her unique nose with an equally unique ’stache.

3. Susan Boyle
Susan Boyle took a lot of crap when she was on “Britain’s Got Talent” for her appearance, which was rudely called everything from homely to matronly to downright fugly. It’s not entirely fair. There’s nothing wrong with the way she looks. She’s just missing something is all. Ah, there it is.

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